My Story… told another way

During my time in Japan on outreach God asked me if I would tell my story through movement once again. I used to dance a lot for worship when I was younger but it have been many years since I last danced.

At this moment when God asked me, I really was not well. However, I felt this pull to obedience and let go of how it would look and chose to just share my story with people who have never heard His name before. Here is my act of obedience, He receives all the Glory, even with all our flaws and perfections!

Consistency, fear of man, I’m not enough…

What a title I know, but I promise the end is worth it. For a very long time I have had this challenge of being consistent in, well most things… in communicating with people, in posting and sharing content and pursuing things I know Christ has skilled and gifted me in. I had fear of what people would think about me, what would they say, how would they react and would I be received. This resulted in the lie that I’m not enough, what I do will not have any impact and reach people anyway, so why not let someone else do it. And so this cycle of thinking would repeat itself. It held me in as straight jacket for so many years, I got used to the discomfort it bought. It wasn’t until near the end of last year that I was able to hear God on what was actually going on and why I was struggling so much. When He bought these things to light, God did not give me a step by step healing plan and a list of things I needed to change. Instead His response was simple.

Emanuela you are loved

Emanuela you are precious

Emanuela you are My child

Emanuela be yourself, the you I have uniquely created you to be

Walk in the freedom I died for

Emanuela focus on Me…

Oh so simple, but oh so hard. How can I receive love that I am not worthy of? You made everyone, but Lord why do I struggle to see who I actually am and the value You say I have? Who even is Emanuela? What if people see me as weirder than they already do? Lord the world’s artificial lights bring me no joy, but I don’t feel worthy to cast my gaze on You at all times…

Now it would be a lie to say I had these thoughts daily, but it was these thoughts that stopped me from being consistent in the things God has called me too. Broken, no not completely, but I had many fractures in my soul that needed attention.

So with no formula and as messy as it may be I said yes to the healing work God wanted to start. Through prayer, words of knowledge that others shared with me and time with God, He gave me two tasks. Be yourself and focus on Me.

I did not realise how difficult this would be. Fear of man had such a grip on my life, I didn’t realise how deep it went. Every layer God revealed came with the pain as if I was experiencing that hurt all over again. Layer after layer, hurt after hurt, I could only look more and more at God. Who else could I turn too, who else knew exactly how deep this ran and how much pain it had caused me? Who else was capable of bringing healing to these areas that I didn’t even know existed until He revealed them? Who else would love me unconditionally through the mess of these past wounds and still call me beautiful and loved? Who else could see the chaos going on in my mind? Only God. So I couldn’t help but look at Him, because in His eyes all I ever saw was His love for me. How could I not receive this love I did nothing for, but a love He wanted me so desperately to receive? Being filled up with this love, how could I not love Him back and more so how could I not want other people to experience this for themselves. What did it matter how I looked or what people thought about me, His love broke through every single rough edge and pain I have felt and bought me into the arms of My Heavenly Father who calls me His own. He says I am loved no matter what, that He has created me for a purpose, that I was worth the sacrifice… oh to taste the joy that unchanging truth brings and NOT share it with others! I couldn’t and I can’t do it! So no matter how messy it may come out, however I may look, fear of man cannot be something I live in anymore. He is too good to not shout it from the rooftops.

This is where looking at God has bought me. It was by looking at Him and focusing on Him that He was able to show me who I am, my value… I was able to die to fear of man and die to the lies that once held me bound. God was able to tend these fractures and now it’s time for me to walk in freedom I now have.

Fractures can take a very long time to heal and once they are fully healed, you still need to be careful because certain things can cause a flare up. This does not mean that they were not healed, but we do need to have certain measures in place to avoid flare ups. This is why He has given us so many practical steps in scripture on how to stay focused on Him and the Holy Spirit guides us through it all. These are some scriptures that have helped me, but please remember that God is gracious and He knows our weaknesses as humans. If you fall, get back up, for He is compassionate and gracious in ways we can’t fully grasp.

Scripture that have helped me falling back into…

Anxiety - Phil 4:6-8 | Ps 42

• tells me what to do when I feel anxiety

• Make the decision to receive the peace of God, even if the situation hasn’t change yet

• Do not spend time meditating (filling my mind) up with things what will continue to keep my mood low and mind away from Christ. Instead I filter every thought through each of these and if the thoughts makes it through I hold onto it.

• Sometimes you need to remind yourself that God is good, acknowledge how you are feeling, but ultimately choose to hope in God who does not fail and change

Believing lies that I am not good enough - John 3:16 | 1 Peter 3 | Psalms 139 | Daniel 1

• I was worth God sending His only Son to die for me

• I am a chosen priesthood

• I am fearfully and wonderfully made

• All God wants from me is my heart, He is the one who makes things good and excellent

all I ever needed …

Take a deep breath.

Okay… this is song in short is my testimony. Oh I don’t even know where to start. God rescued me, truly. Here I go…

I wrote this song two years ago after a deep time of worship, when it struck me just how much He had saved, redeemed and healed me from.

I grew up in a Christian household and gave my heart to God at the age of 4. I can’t remember how I went about it, but I know that I wanted Jesus in my heart forever. Now I don’t think I ever lost that desire, but as I started to get older the reality of Jesus as best friend (Proverbs 18:24) was not yet know to me. As a result I went through a lot of things in silence, not wanting to burden my family and not wanting to look weak.

God truly stepped in, wiped my tears and started to dress those deep wounds. Truly, He is all I ever wanted, all I ever needed and will need…x

Dealing with disappointments

I believe that disappointments require us to be transparent, if to no one else at least to ourselves, and to do so before God. Let Him know your feelings,  thoughts, emotions and questions.

It’s what you do after that which will affect how you then proceed...

We can choose to stay in negative feelings and thoughts, which if we give enough time can render us ineffective... over time allowing certain emotions towards ourselves and others to fester and cloud our judgement.

Or we can acknowledge all those things which have led to disappointment, and then choose to look to God, from where comes our help. By focusing on Him we stay on the path He has called us to walk.

This is why Philippians 4:8 is so important for believers to do as it instructs us how to keeps our minds focused on God and well.

Scriptures:

- Luke 22:42

- 1 Samuel 15:11

- Philippians 4:8

With love,

E x

(I filmed this video after my visa was denied, I had to tell everyone I was no longer travelling and seeking God on whether He wanted me to try again or move on…)

Before the mission trip…

I had always wanted to go on a mission trip. My sister had gone on one when I was in high school and if I’m being honest I felt a little bit of envy (all be it, it didn’t last long). However, my desire to go was I something couldn’t shake off, but I never felt that release to go.

As I began to get ready to go off to university, I spent time with God seeking His guidance on this new chapter. I prayed for the right friends, I didn’t need a lot… I prayed for one friend. Sought Him for the spiritual environment I was about to enter and how He wanted me carry myself… I felt lead to prepare myself to serve. I had no idea what that would entail, but asked Him to prepare my heart for what was ahead.

Then I arrived and within a few weeks, I had discovered what ‘serve’ looked like. I join the Christian Union and then proceeded, with my one friend, to pray and fast for those we encountered at CU, who lead and our campus too. Every week, almost without fail, be it a prayer walk or in our room, we prayed consistently for that whole year. Alongside this I had become a student ambassador for my university, supporting them on a practical level. I did both of these things for the full 3 years of my study (the frequency changed in my final year, for both).

As the end of my first year approached God presented me with the opptunity to go on my first overseas mission trip. I found myself asking God, why? What has changed Lord? While having this quiet moment with God, my year flashed before me and with it came revelation. Lord this is mission… what I have been doing this year has been missional…

To know Christ, submit to His will, seek His face first, allow Him to shape/mould and grow me in every aspect of life… to fill me up for His glory.

To pray for those around me, my leaders, classmates… pray for the sick, seek His heart for them and not my own selfish desires.

To walk alongside those God has called me to, walking that extra mile, showing them the love of Christ. My Saviour who washed my dirty feet… to shine His light.

Most of this happened without me even realising, but I knew this is God’s heart. To know Christ and make Him known. This is mission and until this moment I don’t think I really understood what it meant to be missional.

I needed that year to teach me truly what it meant to die to self, surrender to God and serve.

And what happened next, well that’s another story…

X x x

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” - Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭33‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

“Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” - James‬ ‭5‬:‭16‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

“And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two.” - Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭41‬ ‭NKJV‬‬