Consistency, fear of man, I’m not enough…
What a title I know, but I promise the end is worth it. For a very long time I have had this challenge of being consistent in, well most things… in communicating with people, in posting and sharing content and pursuing things I know Christ has skilled and gifted me in. I had fear of what people would think about me, what would they say, how would they react and would I be received. This resulted in the lie that I’m not enough, what I do will not have any impact and reach people anyway, so why not let someone else do it. And so this cycle of thinking would repeat itself. It held me in as straight jacket for so many years, I got used to the discomfort it bought. It wasn’t until near the end of last year that I was able to hear God on what was actually going on and why I was struggling so much. When He bought these things to light, God did not give me a step by step healing plan and a list of things I needed to change. Instead His response was simple.
Emanuela you are loved
Emanuela you are precious
Emanuela you are My child
Emanuela be yourself, the you I have uniquely created you to be
Walk in the freedom I died for
Emanuela focus on Me…
Oh so simple, but oh so hard. How can I receive love that I am not worthy of? You made everyone, but Lord why do I struggle to see who I actually am and the value You say I have? Who even is Emanuela? What if people see me as weirder than they already do? Lord the world’s artificial lights bring me no joy, but I don’t feel worthy to cast my gaze on You at all times…
Now it would be a lie to say I had these thoughts daily, but it was these thoughts that stopped me from being consistent in the things God has called me too. Broken, no not completely, but I had many fractures in my soul that needed attention.
So with no formula and as messy as it may be I said yes to the healing work God wanted to start. Through prayer, words of knowledge that others shared with me and time with God, He gave me two tasks. Be yourself and focus on Me.
I did not realise how difficult this would be. Fear of man had such a grip on my life, I didn’t realise how deep it went. Every layer God revealed came with the pain as if I was experiencing that hurt all over again. Layer after layer, hurt after hurt, I could only look more and more at God. Who else could I turn too, who else knew exactly how deep this ran and how much pain it had caused me? Who else was capable of bringing healing to these areas that I didn’t even know existed until He revealed them? Who else would love me unconditionally through the mess of these past wounds and still call me beautiful and loved? Who else could see the chaos going on in my mind? Only God. So I couldn’t help but look at Him, because in His eyes all I ever saw was His love for me. How could I not receive this love I did nothing for, but a love He wanted me so desperately to receive? Being filled up with this love, how could I not love Him back and more so how could I not want other people to experience this for themselves. What did it matter how I looked or what people thought about me, His love broke through every single rough edge and pain I have felt and bought me into the arms of My Heavenly Father who calls me His own. He says I am loved no matter what, that He has created me for a purpose, that I was worth the sacrifice… oh to taste the joy that unchanging truth brings and NOT share it with others! I couldn’t and I can’t do it! So no matter how messy it may come out, however I may look, fear of man cannot be something I live in anymore. He is too good to not shout it from the rooftops.
This is where looking at God has bought me. It was by looking at Him and focusing on Him that He was able to show me who I am, my value… I was able to die to fear of man and die to the lies that once held me bound. God was able to tend these fractures and now it’s time for me to walk in freedom I now have.
Fractures can take a very long time to heal and once they are fully healed, you still need to be careful because certain things can cause a flare up. This does not mean that they were not healed, but we do need to have certain measures in place to avoid flare ups. This is why He has given us so many practical steps in scripture on how to stay focused on Him and the Holy Spirit guides us through it all. These are some scriptures that have helped me, but please remember that God is gracious and He knows our weaknesses as humans. If you fall, get back up, for He is compassionate and gracious in ways we can’t fully grasp.
Scripture that have helped me falling back into…
Anxiety - Phil 4:6-8 | Ps 42
tells me what to do when I feel anxiety
Make the decision to receive the peace of God, even if the situation hasn’t change yet
Do not spend time meditating (filling my mind) up with things what will continue to keep my mood low and mind away from Christ. Instead I filter every thought through each of these and if the thoughts makes it through I hold onto it.
Sometimes you need to remind yourself that God is good, acknowledge how you are feeling, but ultimately choose to hope in God who does not fail and change
Believing lies that I am not good enough - John 3:16 | 1 Peter 3 | Psalms 139 | Daniel 1
I was worth God sending His only Son to die for me
I am a chosen priesthood
I am fearfully and wonderfully made
All God wants from me is my heart, He is the one who makes things good and excellent